coming to theaters this Spring

Untitled Movie Trailer. Based on a true story. I shit you not.


Fade from black, ominous music in the background, lessening. Two young men on rickety chairs in a cramped office doing busy-work. One is blonde and strapping and wearing a wife-beater. The other is, well, the other man is me. Close up of me processing a textbook order. Red Ball-cap. haven't shaved in a while. Here's your hero, you think to yourself. Then, a mysterious scratching sound.

"Hey Doug," Strappy Wife-Beater says, "Check out the size of that 'roach on the wall!" Camera zooms on Strappy's finger, then swings violently toward wall.

I look up and am horrified. Only the second 'roach I've ever seen. and I want it dead. I stand up slowly lest I disturb the winged beast. Camera moves back to long-shot as i struggle to find a suitable weapon despite the fact I'm drowning in clutter. Cut to one second shot of bead of sweat on my temple. Cut to wall. the 'roach is gone. Fade to black.

Fade from black, same ominous music, same cramped office, same dudes. Maybe an hour has passed. I'm on the phone taking to Cal/Princeton. Sweet-talking them. Minding my own business when I catch something out of the corner of my eye. there it is, an inch from my blue puma, scraggling along, seconds away from climbing in and up my pant-leg. I shudder, shift and stomp.

Ker-splicket!

All the while my sultry business-phone-tone never quavers. Transaction takes another minute to complete. I slowly hang up. freak out. OMG. leave cramped office and Strappy for some fresh air.

Cut to 15 minutes later, me walking into the famed 3rd floor bathroom, now free of 'out of order sign.' Ominous music gets stronger. The bathroom is dark, the light flickers. I only want to wash my hands. I move toward the sink when what do I hear?

soft crinkling insect feet. Another cockroach!

Camera zooms in on toilet, then dark corner opposite, then waste basket. Nothing is revealed. I jump back. I run from the bathroom, camera pans around to show 'roach, now visible, stowing 'out of order' sign behind the trash can, chuckling to itself in small hissing noises. I catch my breath near the soda machine.

Put in change, ominous music growing louder.

Press mountain dew...

sold out!

Dr Pepper...

sold out!

diet coke? Per-chigga-clung. Diet coke in hand I turn around only to overhear a conversation down the hall. Camera slowly zooms down hall, perversely, voyueristically, focusing on nothing but a disembodied voice. All one hears is the coversation:

female voice: "Oh my God, what is that!? on the wall! Its a what!? Ew, I've never seen one of those before!"
male voice: "Yeah, it's a cockroach, I just killed one in my office just this morning..." They're everywhere.

Some hero. I turn and run. I don't look back. Save yourself. save. your. self.

trailer *fin*

curtain.