flipping the switch
Bathroom Trilogy of Terror! (Part 3)
the fans get what the fans ask for. don't let anyone tell ya differently. my zombies, robots and dinosaurs know a thing or two about the water closet. perhaps a thing or two too many. Case in point....
I was visiting a friend's apartment almost a full year ago. It was a small gathering, there was some drinking. As such a trip to the lav was soon necessary. Door closed, I imagined myself alone in this foreign bathscape. I proceed to unzip, etc... there's really not that much prep-work that goes into a man's number one. However there is a light-switch-esque on/off mechanism that gets released. The mind gives the go-ahead and then there is a lag, perhaps not even a second or so before relaxation can commence. Well what to my abject horror can you imagine happens, just as I 'flip the switch,' but a furry lightning bolt leaps up onto the rim of the bowl.
I watch in terror during the first split-second as I fear the cat will go head over tea-cup into the drink. But he does not. Grace is a particularly innate feline gift. A gift I proceeded to urinate all over. I couldn't stop! It wasn't my fault! The switch had been flipped... of course i reigned it in but there's an even more stubborn lag involved in a premature ceasefire. For perhaps a whole second or two I peed on my friend's cat.
Mortified, I tore off swatches of TP, wet them in the sink, and began wiping down the cat. I added handsoap to some of these swatches, but not much, apprehensive of adding even more foreign material I'd never sufficiently get out of the small animal's pelt. Then I rubbed and petted and stroked, 'fluffing' the beast back to an appearance I deemed reasonable, if not altogether not urine-soaked. All the while I still really have to pee. even more so after deceiving my poor body, issuing the 'a-okay' only to cruelly demand a cease and desist.
Needless to say I swiftly booted the cat from the bathroom, cursed my bad luck and succeeded in accomplishing what I had walked in there to do. But never again will I enter a friend's bathroom so insouciant and on top of the world. Ladies, colleagues, friends and enemies, please lock up your pets before inviting me over lest i befoul their coats. But like I said. It wasnt my fault. honest.
Labels: goings on about town