Sunday, March 18, 2007

flipping the switch

Bathroom Trilogy of Terror! (Part 3)

the fans get what the fans ask for. don't let anyone tell ya differently. my zombies, robots and dinosaurs know a thing or two about the water closet. perhaps a thing or two too many. Case in point....

I was visiting a friend's apartment almost a full year ago. It was a small gathering, there was some drinking. As such a trip to the lav was soon necessary. Door closed, I imagined myself alone in this foreign bathscape. I proceed to unzip, etc... there's really not that much prep-work that goes into a man's number one. However there is a light-switch-esque on/off mechanism that gets released. The mind gives the go-ahead and then there is a lag, perhaps not even a second or so before relaxation can commence. Well what to my abject horror can you imagine happens, just as I 'flip the switch,' but a furry lightning bolt leaps up onto the rim of the bowl.

I watch in terror during the first split-second as I fear the cat will go head over tea-cup into the drink. But he does not. Grace is a particularly innate feline gift. A gift I proceeded to urinate all over. I couldn't stop! It wasn't my fault! The switch had been flipped... of course i reigned it in but there's an even more stubborn lag involved in a premature ceasefire. For perhaps a whole second or two I peed on my friend's cat.

Mortified, I tore off swatches of TP, wet them in the sink, and began wiping down the cat. I added handsoap to some of these swatches, but not much, apprehensive of adding even more foreign material I'd never sufficiently get out of the small animal's pelt. Then I rubbed and petted and stroked, 'fluffing' the beast back to an appearance I deemed reasonable, if not altogether not urine-soaked. All the while I still really have to pee. even more so after deceiving my poor body, issuing the 'a-okay' only to cruelly demand a cease and desist.

Needless to say I swiftly booted the cat from the bathroom, cursed my bad luck and succeeded in accomplishing what I had walked in there to do. But never again will I enter a friend's bathroom so insouciant and on top of the world. Ladies, colleagues, friends and enemies, please lock up your pets before inviting me over lest i befoul their coats. But like I said. It wasnt my fault. honest.



At 1:45 PM , Blogger oline said...

i hereby nominate you for JBB bathroom correspondent.

At 2:04 PM , Blogger Les Savy Ferd said...

*flushing toilet noise*
(that's a reluctant yes)

At 7:43 AM , Blogger croftie said...

hehe. I love that story. Just don't pee on Barry. He wouldn't like that very much.


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