Cold out There, How Could is it?

It's so cold that after a half block of walking my jeans feel as if they are made of cold rolled aluminum, the kind they make heating and air-conditioning ducts out of.

It's so cold that after a full block of walking, it feels as if the Icy Hand of Death itself has reached inside and is wringing my bladder.

It's so cold I went through 3 faces on my walk from the Jeep to the building I work in. My own face, which crumbled away only to be replaced by the Efron face (I wanted to be pretty, however I quickly learned that this was not effective against the cold), which failed and was replaced by the Jake Gyllenhaal face, which I thought was masculine enough, yet it too failed. Now i have the Eastwood Grimace, which has actually made the cold tuck its tail between its legs and run away like a little girl... for the time being.

It's so cold this makes my winters in Buffalo feel like winters in Kuala Lumpur.

It's so cold I had to frighten a family of abominable snow people from squatting in the Jeep overnight. They don't like fire, or coke zero, apparently.

It's so cold they found Jake Frost dead of hypothermia on the near west side.

It's so cold pigeons will actually crystallize if they fly 3 or 4 stories up in the air, plummeting to earth where they shatter like that robot guy in Terminator 2. All of the pigeon peices will one day pool back together in the sewers of Northern Gary where a 300 foot tall Pigeon King will wreak havoc on the populace, eating babies and pecking away the eyes of all the monuments and statues.

It's so cold that hot no longer exists, mild is in critical condition, warm is being given its last rites, and chilly moved to Florida to spend its remaining days voting republican and messing up the electoral college in peace and quiet away from its annoying grandkids.

It's so cold that everybody died. true story.