Yee Olde Work Email Spam Comedy Hour

Let's lighten the mood a little bit, shall we?

It's always fun for me to return to the store after a nice relaxing weekend and take a look at the old work email. Why? Because my work email is a spam black hole. No spam can resist it's immense gravity and as a result I get quite an assortment of intriguing fare. And man have some people gone a long way to make sure their spam doesn't get filtered out into my junk folder. There appear to be a great many creative (and hilarious) ways to achieve this desired outcome. These include the use unfamiliar euphemisms in place of more common blacklisted words, incorrect spellings and odd chunks of concrete poetry, which I can only imagine help the email reach a predetermined requirement of enough different words to defeat various filters. The end result of course is a chuckle or six.

Some great email subject lines:

"Hoist Your Sexual Times" (with "the assistance of Good Medicaments,")
Oh boy, this one made me laugh. I'm sure 'hoist' has been employed as a sexual innuendo as long as there have been masts and rigging, but the addition of 'sexual times' kicks it into another gear altogether. And finally, the inclusion of some fancy English like 'medicaments'? Inspired.

"Empower Your Sexual Experience"
A minority group can be empowered. A political cause that desperately needs some legal or financial backing can seek to become empowered. Sexual experience? I'd love to see the legalese in the draft of that document.

"Your Power Will be so Strong that You will think you are Sleeping."
Um, I'm not quite sure that reads how you want it to read, Mr. Spam-bot.

"Raise Your Darling Bed Event"
This one actually makes syntactical sense. Mostly. But the hoops the author of this gem must have had to run through to make it 'see print.' I'm pretty sure nobody has ever called what happens in the bedroom a 'bed event' and to couple it with a snuggly word like darling, well...

And last some concrete spam poetry:

The wasn't any reason for the malfunction
Woman was on bad terms with her husband
he drinks.
Foreplay PPPlay it right!
In a different way, namely:
from the wild game a pleasant
middleaged man who, in spite of his better
have some supper
Pierre's face lightened than her form.
High cheeks had she
and a face strained voice that sounded like a dirge.
It imposible to describe the expression to be correct.

All I can say of this monday morning ritual can best be summed up in yet another borrowed spam tagline:
"satisfaction result assured!"