Monday, April 28, 2008

I'm Sorry Sir; You Do Not Exist

Concisely put, I'm getting tired of this. I'm tired of being told I don't exist. I assure you, mister suit-selling guy, I do exist, in fact I am standing right here.

or at least I was. Over the weekend the Croftie and I decided to get my wedding suit on. A friend of hers got a great deal from some swank place that has a store downtown as well as in the north and clybourn area. We went the clybourn route, because it was reasonably nice out and we could walk there.

Upon entering above mentioned merchant place we were greeted by a guy I'm going to call Regis. Regis was a nice enough young man who was wearing a suit that appeared to be made of a carpet in some sort of 60's non-shag mode. He also had a sizable pimple on the bridge of his nose that looked like it would rupture if he so much as lightly sneezed. But Croftie and I were flying blind. All I had in my head was a color, the only color I invest in, blue, possibly navy, perhaps closer to midnight. Regis dutifully scrounged us some offerings and i was shocked by both their non-affordability and non-fitability. In these suits I would not only be broke, but broke-ass busted.

So Regis's friend, whose name i never got but whose physicality bordered on Andre the Giant-esque, was called over with his measuring tape. Andre the Giant Tailor measured me, all the while looking respectable if not precisely good in a preposterously large suit. Andre the Giant Tailor barks out some numbers and tells me;

37 Long. you don't exist.

But... I DO exist! I swear. Its just i don't have the bulk of the modern day man. what with his HGH and his Doritos and his general American bulkiness. Its more an issue of proportion. Most 6'+ guys have broader shoulders than i do. As even my pediatrician told me when i was 14, "You're a tall drink of water.' Tall maybe, but i suppose the 'drink of water' part means I'm a slender nancy boy.

Andre the Giant Tailor then suggested I go get a suit made custom. Or else I'd never be really happy. Regis told me to 'pump some iron.' I just went somewhere else and got something much nicer than anything they had for significantly less.

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